I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
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Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.