@ShesARealGenius Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
@juneohara65 I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
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@ShesARealGenius 
@Elizasoul80 Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
@oneawkwardmom My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
@LMuenster [orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
@jonmsutton Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
@batkaren I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
@dogfather [getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
@marknorm You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
@evildadatron and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
@shhrugg Ice skating is like walking in cursive