@juneohara65

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

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@Elizasoul80

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

@oneawkwardmom

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

@LMuenster

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

@jonmsutton

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

@batkaren

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

@dogfather

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

@marknorm

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@evildadatron

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show