I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
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me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
*seductively eats two tums*
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Why soy sad?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance