I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

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Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.


My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with


[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit


Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay


I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”


[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”


You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.


and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show