I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
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Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Europe. Made in Germany.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
There’s only one good girl here!
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.