I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
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me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.