I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
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My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
The game has officially changed 😎
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
also my go-to takeaway order
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.