I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
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I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.