I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

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There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.


The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.


Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.


client: i’m nervous

attorney: relax

prosecutor: the defendant is guilty

attorney: oh my god [looks at client]

client: what

attorney: you said you were innocent


I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.


I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.


If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me


*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*


[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?


GF: I’m leaving you
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT