I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
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If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
A friend sent me this.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.