I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
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Am I having a stroke?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
There is no “we” in pizza
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.