I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
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Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
TRAIN’S HERE
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
My what?
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.