Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

Traveler’s camo

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

Me: *wearing white shirt*

Every food in the universe: GET HIM!

It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.