I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
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If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*