I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
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Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?