i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
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Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
No. YOU-buprofen.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
I thought this was funny lol
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.