I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
You Might Also Like
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
“and how does that make you feel?”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Very good! 👍😂
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.