I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
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[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Pat is about to own someone
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?