I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
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I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
so weird how every mom was born today
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.