I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
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I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Blew out my flip flop…
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.