I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
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MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.