I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
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Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
You got this…
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.