I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
You Might Also Like
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Born to be mild.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice