I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
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Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready