I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Lmao
the Monday after daylight savings
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here