I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
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During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?