I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
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I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Happy Thanksgiving
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.