I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
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Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.