@kelkulus I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
@tartadepollo I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
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@kelkulus 
@Writepop Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
@FattMernandez I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
@Marcmywords2 Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
@slobear “There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
@junejuly12 Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
@UncleDuke1969 [office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
@djdarrellripley Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
@_radsy BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
@meganamram Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name