I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
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Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
My spinning empty office chair
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Me: I made a cake!
Me: It’s chocolate.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name