@tartadepollo

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

You Might Also Like

@kelkulus

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

@Writepop

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

@FattMernandez

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

@Marcmywords2

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

@slobear

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

@junejuly12

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

@UncleDuke1969

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

@_radsy

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

@meganamram

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name