I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
You Might Also Like
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.