I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
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“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Alexa: *deep breath*
🤔😂😂
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.