@david8hughes [batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
@PostCultRev I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
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@david8hughes 
@ambergambler_ I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
@onion_an Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
@BenOnus_Kenobus “Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
@Shariv67 “I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
@WilliamRodgers There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
@meganamram There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
@MadHatterMommy Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
@torrami Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
@XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.