I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

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[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”


I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.


Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies


“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.


“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”


There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…


There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house


Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again


Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.

Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.


4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!


4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.