I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
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[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that