I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
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I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Brother?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
*limbos under the caution tape
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
new shirt idea
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet