I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
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[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Just as the prophecy foretold
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Mad Max Arctic Road
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
#CoronaOutbreak
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*