I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
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Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.