I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
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Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.