I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
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How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.