I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
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[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’