I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
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I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.