@OilCan314

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

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@theNuzzy

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

@UluwatuSiap

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

@MrsGoose69

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

@thtchicmichelle

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

@MeetingBoy

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

@bmarked21

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

@10InchesPlus

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

@ilovepie84

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.