Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
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That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
The sacred texts.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.