I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
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If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
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5
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9
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90Me: Nailed it.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
scared to check what name she chose
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.