I ate everything, including the H.
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At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?