I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
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Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
normalize having existential bread
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”