I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
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Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
is frankincense just very honest incense?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.