I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
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I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
The human personality is made of five key elements
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.