I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
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Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Worth a try
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?