I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
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Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off