I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
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Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.