I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE


“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
Me: “You have ice?”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”


Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.


Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.


A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again


If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.


I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.