Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
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How do you milk an almond?
Wedding planning is organized crime.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
Me: “You have ice?”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.