I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
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Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*