I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
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[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
why would tinder want me to say this
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down