I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
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I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.