I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
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i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Breaking news:
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.