I babysat for my neighbors last night. When they got home, there were dirty cups everywhere, the ice cream was melted and there was red nail polish on the velvet sofa. On the plus side, the kids never woke up.
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She was making her kids marsoupial.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
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hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
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Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
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Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
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Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
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Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.
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Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
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Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?