I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
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dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Wednesday
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
some things should go without saying
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.