I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
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son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Oh deer
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.